Chapter 128

March-

We’ve had a thaw but it won’t last.   It is unseasonably warm and that means mud, things trying to grow that’ll just die because they think they’re ready to weather life above ground but as always, they’ll get a rude awakening.  Chad just read that and laughed at me but he’ll see that I’m right.  Every time nature tries to blossom too early, storms, snow, frost, or something will come along and kill the tender plants.  If only they would wait for their time.  If, rather than rushing to pop out of the ground and be noticed for their early arrival, the plants waited for the dangerous times to pass, they would grow stronger, brighter, and smell sweeter than ever.

Chad says that is a good analogy for some of the little girls at church.  They try so hard to be ‘grown up’ and look the part but in the end, there is nothing to look forward to.  It is truly heartbreaking how jaded little eleven year old girls are about relationships and life in general.  I guess Chad is right.  It is a good analogy.  As breathtaking as a single red tulip is surrounded by snow, it is much more vulnerable to plucking than it would be had it waited for its sisters to bloom with it.

Valentine’s Day was full of fun and surprises.  Chad had flowers delivered to the house.  I guess I never realized that Wayne at the Pettler would deliver flowers for me.  What a fascinating business.  Apparently the other officers teased Chad about being cheap and unromantic because he didn’t send red roses.  Apparently that is customary for every “romantic” occasion.  Chad knows me well.  The gerbera daisies he sent were bright, colorful, and I’m planning on growing a bunch myself now.

Speaking of growing flowers, I sold a huge bunch of lavender to a woman from Brant’s Corners.  Aggie called and said the woman wanted it for crafting and offered me much more than I would have imagined it is worth.  That reminded me that we’d planned on the lavender rows along the driveway so I’ve started plants in the greenhouse for that.  Chad says as soon as I give the word, he’ll plant them for me.  Why is it that Chad works for the police department, isn’t home half of his waking hours, and yet he manages to cut my workload significantly.  I do much less work now than I did when Mother was alive and  it’s not because Chad works non-stop or anything.

Portia is a big girl now.  She works hard to keep everyone, including Chad and I, rounded up into nicely huddled masses and of course, fails miserably when it comes to the human population.  The barn cats have tried to subdue her but alas, she tries to keep them in line anyway.

I am avoiding what is on my heart.  I need to get it out and deal with it but I fear hurting those closest to me.  It’s odd, in less than two years my thought processes have changed.  I would never have thought twice about reigning in my thoughts or words when it was just Mother and I but as Chad likes to say in a tone that sounds broken hearted, I’ve been “civilized.”  So here goes.  I am not pregnant.  I’ve been married for nearly a year and there is no sign of a baby on the horizon.  The problem is, to me, this isn’t a problem.  However, everyone around us seems to see it as something horrible.  Well, those who want to see us with child.  There are a definite group of people who think it’s best that we wait a few years before starting a family.  I don’t quite understand why either side is so concerned.  Either we have a baby or we don’t.

I was quite content to wait until it just happened but even Chad is making noises like something is terribly wrong.  He brought home several printed pages of articles on “infertility” and “trying to conceive” and has been reading them diligently.  From what I’ve read, I think everything in my body is working fine.  I checked the temperatures, checked the body gunk, and basically, there’s no reason that I can see as far as the body goes, for me not to be pregnant so I think perhaps it’s just not time yet.  God knows what He’s doing and while Chad agrees, he’s not so sure we know what we’re doing.  In the famous words of the local teenagers.  What. Ever.

Willow shifted nervously in her seat as she filled line after line after line of what she considered increasingly evasive information.  Much of it she couldn’t answer.  She didn’t know if there was a family history of cardiac trouble, diabetes, cancer, or depression but she did know that her mother died of an aneurysm, she’d had a tetanus shot within the past 10 years, and was not allergic to general anesthesia.

This, however, was nothing compared to the abject misery induced by six innocent words spoken by the nurse when she called Willow’s name.  “Willow Tesdall?  Right this way please.”

From that moment on, Willow’s first visit to the gynecologist nearly became her last.  From the backless paper gown, to the instruments of torture attached to the paper-covered table, to the ice cold stethoscope that the doctor pressed against her chest through the paper, the invasion grew to epic proportions.  Her eyes widened, her words grew more and more clipped and stilted until finally the doctor sat on the rolling stool next to her shoulder and patted her arm.

“Are you always this tense Mrs. Tesdall?”

“Willow.  Please just call me Willow and what do you mean?”

“Well,” the doctor smiled reassuringly at Willow as he tried to make her more relaxed and comfortable.  “You jump at any attempt to touch you, you’re very tense, and I don’t know how I’ll manage to get a decent pap smear if this keeps up so-”

“What’s a pap smear and why do I need it?”

Dr. Walston pushed his chair back and stared at the nurse.  Finally, he glanced at Willow again and asked, “Is this your first gynecological visit?”

“I think so.  I’ve only been to the doctor for stitches once, when I sliced open my leg and got surgery, and I think that’s it.  I was at the dentist once though.”

With a look at his nurse that spoke volumes, the doctor excused himself for a few minutes while Anne explained the processes of an exam, what each test was for, and what the doctor would be doing.  The fact that Willow did not grab her clothing and run is a great testimony to her love for Chad and her desire to understand if there was truly anything wrong with her.  Although she was content to wait many years to see if God blessed them with children, Chad, somewhat pressured by family, was nervous about ‘wasting time’ in not correcting anything that might need correction.

Despite nurse Anne’s very helpful preparation, Willow found the entire exam to be humiliating, invasive, and painful.  She cried through the pap, the internal, and the chest exam.  Dr. Walston tried to be as gentle as possible but finally opted for speed over comfort assuming correctly that more than anything, Willow wanted the experience over.

In his office, Dr. Walston asked several questions that he assumed Willow wouldn’t have answers to but to his surprise, she was prepared.  From within her ever-present tote bag, she pulled a month’s worth of fertility information to make any regular charter proud.  He read everything carefully and then smiled.

“You’ve done your homework.”

“My husband is concerned.”

“Well from the looks of this, he doesn’t need to be- everything seems well enough for now.  I am going to send home a few ovulation predictor kits and want you to use them according to directions.  If you have any questions at all, call the nurse’s desk.  Those ladies are pros at making everything clear.  Once you have a predictor, I want you to come in and we’ll do an ultrasound on your ovaries and see what’s happening.”

“And that should fix it if there’s anything wrong?”

“No, that should tell us if anything’s wrong.”

Willow looked at him curiously.  “What could be wrong that this super sound thing will show?”

“Well,” the doctor’s mustache twitched with amusement at Willow’s skepticism, “it’ll show if your ovaries are working properly, if they’re releasing the eggs, and if necessary, we’ll order a dye test to see if the egg can get through the fallopian tubes.”

“And if, say, the tube is too small or something?  What happens to the egg?”

For the next half hour, Dr. Walston explained more about the reproductive cycle than Willow imagined most people wanted to know.  She thanked him for his time, paid for the visit at the front desk, and left with a bag full of boxes that were to become her closest companions in the next month.  The whole thing seemed like a waste of time and money to her until she thought again of how excited Chad would be when she told him everything works fine and they just needed to be patient.

She jumped on the bus to Fairbury, unlocked her bicycle from the rack behind the Fox, dumped her paraphernalia in the baskets and strapped on her helmet.  Through the streets she rode, hoping to avoid Chad and the questions he’d be sure to ask, and barely remembered to stop at the feed and seed for the roll of fencing she’d planned to use as an excuse for her ride to town.  Chad called her name just as she passed Center Street.  She waved cheerfully calling, “I got the fencing!  I’ll see you at four!”

• **

To her amazement, the next three weeks crawled by ridiculously slowly.  They planted their garden, increased their sheep flock by twenty new lambs, and exponentially grew their chicken production.  People had been begging for fresh eggs, free range chicken meat, and Willow was determined to provide top quality products for those ready to pay.  It required inspections by  health boards and the FDA even for their little farm but they passed with flying colors and the result was more work than ever but Willow loved it anyway.

Chad tilled fields, planted grain and alfalfa, while Willow created more and more berry, melon, and flower patches.  The work was hard at times but both seemed to love it.  When Brad Waverly needed an extra day’s work to fund one of his many hobbies, Chad gave it willingly and spent the day working on one of the many projects that Willow devised.

Two days after their anniversary, the ovulation kit told her what Dr. Walston had been waiting to hear.  She was ovulating or about to.  The “ferns” showed plainly on the mini microscope included in the kit and the nurse at Dr. Walston’s office arranged an appointment for ten the next morning.  It was time to discover if everything worked in that department.

Having been to the office already was helpful but nothing could have prepared her for the horrible invasion of the ultrasound wand.  While the doctor examined her organs and how well they were or weren’t operating, Willow closed her eyes and whispered repeatedly to herself, “this is for Chad, this is for Chad, this is for Chad.  He’s worth it.  I think.”

The results were inconclusive but the doctor showed the swollen ovary where the egg would burst forth at any time in the next twenty four hours.  “Come back tomorrow morning and let’s see what we see.  How about eight?”

Willow left the office in a daze.  She was tired, sore, and mentally drained.  She took a cab and directed him to the hub but as they passed the Rockland Towers, she begged him to pull into the portico.  “I’ll get out here, thank you.”

In less than an hour, Willow was comfortably curled in a hotel bed, sleeping peacefully.

• **

Portia raced to greet Chad as he climbed from the truck.  He absently patted the dog’s head as he hurried into the house.  He’d seen Willow’s call but a fight at the high school was more important at the time it came through so he’d planned to call her back.  He hadn’t planned for a dead battery.  Again.  It was time to buy a new cell battery- or maybe a cell phone.

The house was empty.  The barn, nearby pastures, and greenhouse were all empty too.  Unsure what else to do, Chad plugged in his phone and punched the quick dial one waiting impatiently for her to answer.  She didn’t.  She had, however, left a voice message that he listened to curiously.

“Chad.  I’m in Rockland- no, I won’t tell you why, it’s a surprise.  Anyway, it’s taking longer than I thought it would so I won’t be home until tomorrow.  Call when you can.  Oh, and will you check the black faced lamb?  I think she hurt her leg yesterday.  I love you.”

To his amusement, there was the same familiar hesitancy after signing off as if she either didn’t know how or didn’t want to disconnect the call.  A surprise for him huh?  Well, whatever it was, it would give him time on Lacey in the morning before work.  That horse seemed to love the early morning rides across pastures and through trees almost as much as he did.  He’d go eat in town, come home, go to bed early, and then get up for a morning rendezvous with Lacey.  To hear him think, you’d imagine he’d been waiting for just this chance for far too long.  However, his face left the impression that he’d lost his last friend.

Chapter 127~

“Let’s get it in the house first and then I’ll take you out to meet Lacey.  I’m going to have to take her over to Brant’s Corners and get Uncle Zeke’s friend to outfit her.”

“I can’t believe she just bought you a horse.”

Chad beamed.  “Oh man, wait’ll you see her.  She’s gorgeous, very good temperament and everything but…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Willow is terrified of her.”

Luke’s jaw dropped along with the tailgate to his truck.  “You’re kidding.  Willow?  She’s used to animals.”

“Not big ones that want to be friendly.”

The men tried not to chuckle as they stumbled through the yard with the hoosier.  Every few feet they stopped, set it down, and then hoisted it once more.  The steps were a bit difficult but once through the door, the hoosier fit perfectly in the place where only an hour before, the hutch had stood for so many years.

“That is just perfect.  I can’t believe you got the flour hopper and everything.  She’s going to love that!”  As he spoke, Chad tied a huge red bow around the hopper and jerked his thumb at the drawer in the corner.  “Will you get me some tape from that drawer?”

By the time Willow arrived back home after an afternoon of shopping with Cheri, Chad and Luke were walking Lacey around the yard on her lead.  Cheri raced to hug the horse but Willow just leaned against the porch and watched delightedly as everyone admired the horse.  “Come on Willow,” Cheri called as she led the horse closer to the house.

“Let me get her a carrot.”  Willow practically ran into the house as Cheri led the horse closer and closed the ’safe’ gap that Willow had painstakingly created.

“She really does hate the horse,” Cheri laughed as Willow disappeared into the living room.  “What on earth?”

“I don’t know but she will barely feed the poor thing.”  Chad’s words were meant for Luke and Cheri but his voice spoke to Lacey.

Willow came outside with a handful of carrots and waggled one to catch Lacey’s attention.  “There girl!”  With a powerful throw, Willow sent the carrot flying toward the pasture.  Chad barely let go of Lacey’s lead rope as the horse chased after the carrot.

“What- I’ve never heard of a horse playing go fetch!”  Luke stared at the horse awestruck.

“Well, she doesn’t fetch really.  She just chases it.”

Once Lacy knew where the carrots were, she hurried back to Willow but Willow was ready.  She tossed another carrot and the horse made an arc in the snow and raced after the carrot.  Chad watched as his horse, time after time, raced to the pasture to snag the carrot before trotting back for another one.  When the last carrot was gone, she hurried to Willow wanting more.

“No Lacey, they’re all gone.  I don’t have any more!  Lacey!”  Willow backed away from the horse until she tripped over the back steps.  Luke and Cheri collapsed in fits of laughter, but Chad followed as she stumbled up the steps and escaped inside, Lacey standing with two hooves on the first step whinnying for her to bring out more.

He pushed his way past the horse, and burst into the kitchen.  “She won’t hurt you lass.”

“My head knows that but my  heart sends me running before my head screams loud enough to be heard.”  She started to say more but the sight of a hoosier with a bright red bow stopped her.  “What-”

“Merry Christmas.”

“Did you and Luke-”

He shook his head.  “No, just Luke.  I didn’t see how I could go work on it without you knowing.”

To Chad’s surprise, Willow jerked open the kitchen window shouting, “Thanks Luke!” before she turned around and threw her arms around him.  “And thank you!  I love it.  Mother always talked about building one and putting it right there but she never got around to it.”

“I wish I’d had the tools and the time but by the time I thought of it…”

“It’s perfect.”  She jerked her thumb at the back door.  “Get out there with your family.  I’ll make some hot chocolate and pull out the cookies.”

Chad stepped out of the door and then popped his head back in to suggest that she make a few sandwiches and saw her running her hands over the smooth surface of the wood.  Abandoning the sandwich idea, Chad slipped out the door smiling to himself.  “I think that was a good idea,” he muttered as he hurried to return his horse to her stall.

***

New Year’s Eve-

Another year, another Christmas without Mother.  It amazes me how things all stay the same even when they’re so very different.  Mom Tesdall gave Chad and me the oddest looks when she saw our gifts for each other.  I finally asked her what bothered her and she commented that she didn’t know how we’d afford to keep giving each other such expensive gifts.  At first, I was confused.  I couldn’t think of what I had said or done that might give anyone the impression that I would always spend so much. This year, I spent what I’d earned with the garden surplus.  It felt wonderful because I knew I was buying Chad’s gift with money I’d earned.  But it turns out that it was another one of those things where I am weird again.  Apparently if you give someone a gift that costs fifty dollars this year, then next year you’re expected to keep the cost similar.  I don’t understand that at all.  I mean, what if the best gift for that person isn’t something you can buy?  What if it is just something you can make and doesn’t cost much?  Do you put an envelope in with it covering the monetary difference?  It seems absurd.  Chad says that his mom doesn’t understand how I think but that I should just be me and not worry about it.  People will always be happy with what I give them.  I hope he’s right.  I certainly don’t want to be rude. It’s amazing what is rude.  I would have thought any expectations of a gift or its value would be rude.

I spoke to mom about the Aggie situation.  I think I embarrassed her and it made me feel badly but at least she understands now that even if I had been disappointed that Aggie was pregnant when I am not (it still sounds so juvenile to write that!), it is worse to know that others hid their joy from me.  Chad knows how I feel about how he listened to his mother and he agrees that it put a distance between us that we shouldn’t encourage.  I was angry about it but Chad reminded me that he’s never been married before either and only had his mother’s (usually good) advice to follow so he did without thinking.  Looking back it is easier for him to see why I was bothered.

Lacey is fitting in nicely with our other animals.  I think she has decided that I am beneath her notice which is fine by me.  Chad still teases me about my fear of her but that is one big animal!  Her teeth are huge!  So, we seem to have come to a truce.  She won’t come near me and I give her lots of alfalfa, carrots, and apples and even oats but Chad says too many oats aren’t good for horses.  I always thought they were but I guess not.  He stirs black strap molasses and cod liver oil and I don’t know what else into the mix every few days.  He rides her  a few times a week and brushes her often.  He keeps asking me to try brushing her but I’m not going near her.  Chad says I’m shooting myself in the foot because soon she won’t listen to me.  He thinks it’ll make it difficult for me to ever become “friends” with her.  I don’t want to be friends with her so that suits me just fine.  I think Lacey and I have an understanding though so we’re good.

Chad suggested that we build “roads” across the land from field to field and pasture etc. so that he can drive tools and things from place to place and so that me dragging the cart around will be easier than going through grasses and things.  I’m not sure how necessary it is but if it makes it easier on Chad, I think it’s worth it.  The work this year is going to leave less leisure time.  I’m going to have to schedule things carefully and make sure I schedule afternoons off.  I am concerned about pregnancy.  I mean, with the work planned, what happens if I get pregnant and am as sick as Chad says some people get?  Even if I don’t, I could need clothes at just the time I won’t have time to make them.  I have to plan for that.  I found plans for more strawberries in one of mother’s journals.  She never did the berry hills that she’d planned but I think I will do it this year.  If I could sell enough to pay for the time invested in the plants…  I think I’ll start seedlings tomorrow in the greenhouse if Chad can find seeds at the feed and seed.

“Willow?”  Chad’s voice broke through her reverie as she entered her thoughts into her journal.

“Hmm?”

“It’s almost midnight and you’re drooping.”

“But I wanted to stay up until midnight like you said.”  The petulant tone told him she was exhausted.

“You will.  I’ve got a surprise though.  Come on.”

Chad led her downstairs, insisted she put on her jacket, and then led her to the porch.  “Cover your eyes and count with me.  Open them at one.”

A minute ticked by.  Seconds.  Finally, Chad’s voice started counting down from ten.  “Five… four… three… two… one…”

Willow’s eyes flew open and stared at Chad expectantly.  Then, a burst of fireworks rose from the center of the yard and exploded into the sky.  Colors reflected on the snow and sparks showered downward and fizzled against the snow.  There was a boyish delight in Chad’s eyes as he watched her reaction to the relatively small display of pyrotechnics.

“Happy New Year Lass!” he shouted from the yard.

Laughing, she scooped a huge handful of snow from the porch railing and formed a snowball.  As she tossed it at him, she screamed at the top of her lungs, “Happy New Year World’s Greatest Husband Ever!”